I noticed my daughter was acting odd the other day after school, but I didn’t think much of it as I watched her climb the stairs with her head hanging low. She is a teenager, and while she is typically pleasant, her moods will ebb and flow.

At dinner, I noticed she was pushing her food around the plate. Usually a voracious eater, I was shocked when she didn’t ask for another biscuit.

When we finally had a moment alone before she went to bed, I asked her what happened that day to make her so glum.

She sighed and rolled her eyes upwards, but realized I wasn’t leaving her bed until she fessed up.

“We had to weigh ourselves for health, and I’m so much heavier than I was last year” she stated dejectedly. “I don’t want to be fat.”

I stared at my daughter in shock. There was so much I wanted to say to her at that moment, so much that I didn’t know where to begin.

Related: 7 Surefire Ways to Boost Your Middle School Daughter’s Confidence

Positive body image and acceptance starts with us.

As the mother of three daughters, and a woman fighting her own self-confidence issues her entire life, I am keenly aware of the importance of promoting a positive self-image, especially for adolescents. We often engage in physical activity and we eat in moderation. We never talk about weight and instead focus on attributes like strength, intelligence and kindness more than beauty or unrealistic Body types. And we’re very in tune with the importance of addressing mental health issues like anxiety and depression with our kids.

We did everything we were supposed to do. So what in the hell just happened? Where did this negative thought come from?

“Honey, you are the perfect size for your height! You’ve grown three-and-a-half inches this year. What would make you think you were overweight?” I stammered.

“I don’t know. It just seemed like that I shouldn’t weigh that much,” she countered.

That’s when it hit me. Even though we did our best to promote the positive, even though we never talked about weight or her physical appearance or skinny or fat, my daughter still boiled herself down to a Number. And we unknowingly perpetuated a stigma that what you weigh is either fat or skinny.

Worse, when she didn’t like what she saw, it impacted her entire mood.

As parents, we need to check on how our kids are measuring themselves.

We can’t just promote positivity and expect our young girls to embrace it. We have to make sure they look at all the measurements.

We sat in silence for a few moments, and I chose my next words carefully. “Hey, didn’t you just beat your personal best in the mile? Your body did that. And how about when you play the cello so beautifully? Your body helps you do that, too.. And how about how well you did in school this year?”

She did not look convinced. Let’s just say there was more eye rolling and perhaps a feeble attempt to contain an exasperated sigh.

I had to start talking straight.

A person’s true value in this world isn’t determined by a number.

“Alright, here’s the deal. What I’m saying is life is going to throw you numbers for the rest of your life, but happiness is not measured in numbers. Period.”

I finally got her attention.

We talked about all the numbers in our life. Likes on social media, GPAs, and test scores. We talked about how you could get up in the morning and ruin your day by the number you saw on the scale and cry yourself to sleep because you don’t have as many followers on Instagram.

Or you could start taking different measurements.

You could start looking at your life in a way that doesn’t involve concrete numbers.

We talked about how she works to improve her time in cross country or increase her strength when training. We discussed the value in taking a more challenging class even if it negatively impacts her GPA. We talked about how she has a positive impact on others through her volunteer efforts.

And even though I felt like we were making progress, she still asked me this one question: “So, I’m not fat?” she asked.

I sighed. “Do you feel fat?”

“Well, I didn’t. I didn’t until I saw it on the scale.”

Related: Eating Disorders Are on the Rise: Five Important Things Parents Need to Know

Health is not determined by a number on a scale.

“I think that’s your answer. Don’t ever let a number tell you who you are. As long as you are doing things to promote your overall well-being, that’s all I care about. And it’s what you should care about too.”

And then I watched her lanky body stand up tall as she wrapped her gangly arms around me. The scale may say a number she didn’t like, but as she hugged me, the weight lifted a ton from the room.

Our kids, especially during the teenage years, are trying to figure out their place in this world. It’s important to focus on their positive capabilities, but we can’t ignore what they sometimes see right in front of their face.

It’s up to us to make sure they use the right measurements.

5 Tips to Help Teens Boost Their Self-Worth (Without Focusing on Numbers!)

1. State positive affirmations daily.

Positive self-talk, whether written out or simply stated out loud while looking at the mirror is an effective way to improve one’s sense of self-worth. Statements like “I am smart”, “I am funny”, “I am a good friend”, “I am a good teammate”, and “I am proud of how hard I work every day” can have quite the impact. Being kind to yourself and focusing on your personal values like work ethic, friendship, and loyalty are the best ways to combat negative self-talk and promote healthy self-esteem.

2. Volunteer or find a way to give back to the community.

Giving of yourself and your time builds a connection with the world around you. And the knowledge that you are actively making a difference will promote a strong sense of purpose and overall self-worth. Tutoring kids who struggle in school, spending time with the elderly at senior living centers, building homes for those without, or volunteering at an animal shelter are positive and impactful ways to help others and build one’s self-esteem.

3. Make a daily or weekly list of positives.

Whether it’s a list of things that went well, things you’re proud of, or things you accomplished, making the positive list often will outweigh or help cancel out the negative list of things that went wrong or areas where you feel like you may have failed. For example, if some assignments were graded poorly, rather than honing on a few grades, step back and look at your academic performance as a whole. Find something to be proud of—maybe your math grade went up, or maybe your teacher complimented your creativity in a writing class. Find something that makes you feel proud and put that at the top of your list.

4. Surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself.

Distance yourself from toxic social circles where weight or body type are sources of criticism among your peers. Instead, choose to give your time to people who seek joy and build up those around them, regardless of body type.

5. Set overall health, fitness, or self-care goals that are not tied to what you look like.

Train for a 5k, try a month-long plank challenge or push-up challenge, commit to reading at least one book a month for leisure, or learn to meditate. All of these are realistic, achievable goals that will give you a sense of accomplishment, regardless of a number on a scale or on the tag of your jeans.

Are you in the thick of raising your tweens and teens? You may like this book by Whitney Fleming, the co-owner of Parenting Teens & Tweens: Loving Hard When They’re Hard to Love: Essays about Raising Teens in Today’s Complex, Chaotic World.

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